Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
