I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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