some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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