I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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