I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
