Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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