ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
