i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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