I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
