When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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