On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
