I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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