Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
