wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
