i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
