Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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