she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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