I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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