Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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