just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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