oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
