i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
