You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
