I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
