how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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