I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
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I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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