god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
