A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
