I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
