i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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