I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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