Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
