i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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