I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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