I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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