if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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