is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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