On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
