the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
