I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize