apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
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It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
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I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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