im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
