I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
accomplished twins. life is a go
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
