my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
