I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
