my mouth tastes like poor choices
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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