from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
