Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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