I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He better not be in your backpack
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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