Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
The uberlube is also flammable
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
