After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
