just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
