I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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